Assumption 6: Manhood Is Emotional

But it’s not just about learning to cry.

Whoever first said, “Boys don’t cry.” was an idiot. Boys cry. A lot.

I did when I was one. The woman I’m dating has a three-year-old and our phone calls regularly feature background tears over, well, just about anything.

But there is something that does seem to happen during adolescence that led The Cure to sing, “Boys Don’t Cry” even as the tears form following a breakup. And that suppression of tears seems significant.

At the same time, just getting men to cry like they did as boys isn’t the answer.

It’s Not About the Tears

Here’s the thing about boy tears: they are emotionally unregulated.

Here’s the thing about men not crying: they are emotionally unregulated.

This means just getting men to cry isn’t the answer. That could very well just be moving them from one emotionally dysregulated state to another. Let’s explore that just a bit more.

While there are plenty of good reasons boys cry, including the pain from an injury, an expression of fear, or social struggles, there are also times where boy tears are about getting something. Whether it is a toy or a treat or some attention, the tears are a means of manipulating a caregiver into a certain behavior.

Men tears can do exactly the same thing. Whether it’s wallowing in victimhood so people feel sorry for them and lower their expectations, to give a women the sense they have emotional substance and to manipulate her emotions, or to grind someone down so they eventually give in to whatever the guy wants … all can be effective uses of adult male tears.

This means what we really want to explore is how to help men regulate their emotional landscape. How do we help them move from boyhood emotions to manhood emotions?

And I feel like it’s important to note here that yes, we want emotionally regulated women as well, so digging into this will prompt questions about the male emotional landscape and whether or not it is different from the female one. Some of those previously mentioned accounts of trans men on testosterone seems to implicate that it might.

Rites of Passage

Immediately after exploring passivity, naïveté, and numbness, the young prince in Iron John begins to journey the road of ashes, a rite of passage that shapes him moving forward, one that challenges him to face grief and take agency.

This is similar to five lessons that Franciscan Priest Richard Rohr learned while studying male rites of passage around the word. In Adam’s Return (affiliate), he identifies the five key lessons these rites communicated:

• Life is Hard

• You Are Not Important

• Your Life Is Not About You

• You Are Not in Control

• You Are Going to Die

If understood, these realities undermine the boyhood emotions that are so easily driven my victimhood and manipulation. They also have the potential to stir gratitude and grief, as well as invite agency and accountability.

I have to wonder if these characteristics might create space for the kinds of emotions we need to break men’s numbness? What are your thoughts?