The Man In the Mirror
Are you ready to start focusing on that guy … body, heart, and soul?
As I closed my last post I wrote:
So where do we have the most agency? Where are we capable of having the greatest impact? With ourselves.
Men, it’s time we start taking care of the guy in the mirror and living from the inside out.
But what does that mean to live from the inside out? I would argue it means we take time to intentionally nurture our body, heart, and soul.
Over the next three weeks, I want to unpack each of these and offer some preliminary thoughts on how to take them on. But first a couple questions you might be asking yourself.
Why Not the Mind?
I’ll admit, even as I typed “body, heart, and soul” above the image on the foci of the self, I replaced “heart” with “mind,” so I had to go back and change it. Then, when typing them at the start of this paragraph, I swapped out “soul” with “mind.” The desire to include nurturing the mind in that mix is strong … and that’s why I’m leaving it out.
As men, we’re often mind obsessed. It’s what comes natural to us. It’s familiar. We have a tendency to learn all kinds of facts and figures. We know about all kinds of stuff. But where we often struggle, is to take that knowledge and turn it into wisdom.
The goal here is not to expand our ability to talk about stuff. We’re not trying to understand something, as if we were looking at life through a microscope, rather, we are seeking to stand under something, as if we are looking up at the sky and finding our place in a seemingly endless universe.
Will that require our minds? Sure. But the focus here is body, heart, and soul … and no, I didn’t try to swap in mind that time.
How Should I Begin?
I have two answers here. One, is to pick one foci at a time. You’ll see this pattern repeat as we move from the inside out. The goal is to not take on too much at once, which is most likely the exact opposite of what you’re used to doing. But, as counterintuitive as it might seem, doing less is key for two reasons.
You Want To Do Something Well
The first reason you want to do less is because you want to actually do all of this well, and that means not trying to do it all at once.
Unless you’re a trust fund baby, you hit the lottery at a young age, or you sold an app to Google before turning 25, odds are you do not have the time or energy to develop the rhythms necessary to take on more than one of these at a time.
Even if you’re retired and have all the time in the world, odds are good that you’ve spent so much time ignoring heart and soul that there isn’t enough time in the day to step into both right away.
So be kind to yourself. You’ve got a lot going on and a whole slew of other commitments (or you have a whole lot of shit to work through … or both). Focusing on yourself is both hard work and counterintuitive. Patience with the process is key. This will take time.
And when I say it will take time, I mean it. My life hit rock bottom in December of 2010. It was December of 2019 before I was ready to move beyond the foci of the self. Now, I’m not saying it will take you that long as I spent way too much time trying to live from the outside in and learning all the lessons I’m passing on to you the hard way, but it’s still going to take time, and the longer you’ve ignored these faucets of the self, the longer it’s going to take to get back in touch with them.
Growth Always Requires Pruning
Whether it’s plants or people, trimming away whatever is unproductive with the resources it consumes is always essential to promote growth. But whatever I type, I don’t think I could say it any better than Steven Lawson from the Monk Manual:
The Second Answer
The second answer on where you should begin is to take on the foci of the self in a specific order. Start with your body, then go to the heart, and finally, explore the soul.
Why start with your body? There are a number of reasons.
It’s The Most “Manly”
Yes, the whole point of Manhood Reimagined is to break away from our traditional conceptions of manliness, but there’s no reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Not everything about the way Western culture has understood manhood is inherently bad.
So why not start the journey where it’s most acceptable? Especially if starting here will help us as we move into the work of heart and soul?
It’s The Easiest
As I’ve said, all this work is hard, so why not start with the easiest win you can get?
No getting off the couch isn’t easy. No throwing weight around isn’t easy. No eating better isn’t easy. But once you start doing it, it’s going to give you the quickest reward.
Whether it’s the adrenaline rush that comes with moving your body, the confidence that comes when you pick up a heavier dumbbell or kettlebell, or the sense of accomplishment when you see your physique transform, taking care of your body is a rush, and if you can break the initial inertia, you’ll keep coming back for more.
As one example, on Monday this week I had my annual physical. I stepped on the scale and released an audible, “What!?!?!” The tech checking me in commented, “I hear a lot of that after the holidays.” But post holiday pounds are not what prompted my comment.
This is the biggest number I’ve ever seen on a scale (and I’m not mad at it).
When I graduated college, I was the same height and weighed 60 lbs. less.
When I was primarily distance running 5 years ago I weighed 30 lbs. less.
So what’s changed in the last 5 (and really the last 3)? I start pounding protein and lifting weights. The biggest change to my body is that my medium t-shirts now look rather shmedium on me.
In other words, a good portion of the added weight is muscle. So even though I just turned 50, I’m the strongest I’ve ever been and word on the street is that I look damn good. Who wouldn’t want more of that, especially if it also sets the stage to work on the heart and soul?
It Will Improve Your Energy
Like I said earlier, odds are good you don’t have the time or energy to take on more than one of these foci at a time. But eventually, you’re going to have to. So that means you’re going to need to do one of two things:
Create more time.
Find more energy.
While I ultimately believe you will discover more time as you continue this journey, simply because your priorities will change and you’ll prune away things that are less important, early on, it’s easier to find more energy, and taking care of your body is a great way to do that.
Yes, the first few trips to the gym will kick your ass, even if you pace yourself. But as your diet shifts and as you reignite your metabolism, you will start to have more energy … which is exactly what you’re going to need when it comes time to start focusing on your heart and soul.
It Will Get You Back In Touch With Yourself
Of all the benefits that you can get from taking care of your body, this one might be the most important.
One of the biggest mistakes I made years ago when I started this journey was to try and do it when I was still disconnected from my heart. The result was me trying to think my way through everything rather than listening to my heart and hearing the cry of my soul.
To make matters worse, there was so much stress, anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic chaos raging through my being that my heart and soul couldn’t break through all the chaos, so even if I wanted to connect to my heart, there was too much clutter in the way.
Working out changed that, even if I spent too much time running and not enough time lifting weights back then.
What Now?
So are you ready to start the journey? Is it time to focus on your self starting with your body? Next time I’ll offer some thoughts on where to begin.