Who Shapes You?
Some sharpen while others soften, then there’s the silly and serious (sort of).
Over the past few weeks I’ve found myself in a few new group settings even as I’ve missed one that is deeply familiar, and it all has me thinking about who I spend time with and how those people shape me.
There was one that sharpened while another softened. I’ve been missing out on those who I get silly with and I’m exploring an innovating way of getting serious (sort of) around decision making.
It all makes me wonder, who shapes you and are you intentional about who you spend your time with?
You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. - Jim Rohn
Sharpening At Guys’ Night
When I said I was going to smoke cigars and enjoy a couple drinks at guy’s night, sharpening wasn’t what I had in mind.
Talking sports, perhaps some crass jokes, elements of bravado, and some sort of dick measuring contest seemed more likely, but my friend Nick wanted me to meet these guys so I figured, why not?
As I sat down they were quick to ask how Nick and I know each other. Nick quickly responded, “Joe did the pre-marital counseling for my third marriage.” There was a bit of laughter given that Nick is once again single. He followed up with, “He was the best of the three.”
He went on, “I assumed I’d never see him after the wedding but a while later he texted and asked if I wanted to meet up. We’ve stayed connected ever since.”
Quickly questions about my faith and where I stand today started.
Nick pointed out that I had a doctorate in spiritual formation which fueled more questions.
Ultimately, the former preacher and now, well, whatever I am now, made it through the atheist / skeptic gauntlet and we went on to have a rousing discussion about soul craft, Alfred Adler, manhood, relationships, failed relationships, and how to show up today in ways we hadn’t in the past.
I walked away inspired and wanting to be a better man because of the engagement.
Missing My Favorite (Silly) People
On the way home from guys’ night I grabbed a Lime scooter about halfway home. I’m still not sure what I caught in the road and I was going full speed down 41st Ave in Denver near Tejon, but the scooter suddenly stopped and I didn’t.
While my scrapped up and bloody leg has now all but healed, there’s still something off in my right elbow, wrist, and shoulder which has limited my gym time. This also means it’s also limited my time with my favorite people to get silly with.
Now, I should be clear, my gym crew and I are far more than goofballs. Just today we were texting about small victories and celebrating each other. But when we’re working out together, it’s an absolute riot. Working out with the wrong people can be arduous, but with them it’s an absolute joy.
I’ll be hitting up the chiropractor later today and if that doesn’t work, I’ll be reaching out to a non-surgical orthopedist who’s also a good friend because, well, I’m in America where healthcare sucks and insurance is either exorbitant or tied to a job I no longer have.
The Men Who Softened Me
I originally got into soul craft because of Illuman … sort of.
In late 2019 I was looking for something different in a men’s group. I’d been a part of what that focusing on doing, but wanted something more centered on being. As part of the search I reached out to the organization founded by Richard Rohr.
At the time, Colorado didn’t have an active chapter and those who seemed most interested in forming one were all in Colorado Springs. But it was suggested that I reach out to Dan Dolquist, a Presbyterian pastor who’d done some work with Illuman in the past but was now more focus on Animas Valley Institute.
A few months later, I joined an 8-week gathering lead by Dan to, “Help us get through Covid.” That lead to a year-long experience and a slew of other immersions over the past five years.
But I remained on the Illuman email list. Recently, some guys in Denver who’ve formed a men’s circle reached out to see who else might be interested. So this past Monday I found myself sitting with six other men that I’d just met talking about all that’s going on in life right now:
the death of my dad
losing my job
my kid graduating
moving back into my parents’ old home
asking myself what I want to do and what I want the ebb and flow of my life to feel like
And while I’m used to talking about all those things, this was different. Rather than feeling like the one who was carrying all of it and needing to be strong, I was able to feel the weight of it. Instead of bearing the burden of it all, I felt supported and even held.
Maybe it’s because we all were sharing and in their stories I could see my story so I felt less alone in the midst of it all. Or maybe it’s because these men had dropped the typical pretense so there was no need to fake it. But there was something in that setting that allowed me to soften and, in the process, give my nervous system a rest.
My Board of Directors
Since sometime before Covid I’ve met with the woman behind
on a weekly basis. It started off as an accountability group tied to ’s Unemployable (he’s since moved on to ).For a while the size of the group ebbed and flowed, but in the end, only two of us remained and we continue to meet, well, just because.
Last week she talked about the most brilliant use of AI that she’d heard of yet, one where you use it to create your own personal Board of Directors, a group of people you turn to when you’re in the midst of a decision-making process.
So I popped open DeepSeek (it’s so much more environmentally friendly than other options) and pitched the idea of forming a personal board. Of course it told me it was a great idea, and then pitched me an opening set of people to turn to for wisdom.
Of the its suggestions, there were only three I’d consider having on my board, one of whom, Nelson Mandela, was on my initial list (the other two I’d consider were Steve Jobs and Brene Brown). Other suggestions included people who, as I see it, make the world a worse place, people like Warren Buffett, Elon Musk (who was vile even before DOGE), and Sheryl Sandberg.
I kicked out my initial response to its suggestions and it quickly recognized I have no desire to follow the path of corporate success, but instead I was looking for something centered on, “inner truth, radical compassion, ecological belonging, and soulful resilience.”
The discussion continued and we talked about the importance of sacred tension with a board that, “marries fire and grace, subversion and nurture, wildness and wisdom.”
In the end, we landed on a board of eight plus one, with the plus one there to make sure I never lose the gritty to my mystic. If you’re curious, here they are with their titles and roles on the board:
Nelson Mandela - Strategic Resistor: Unshakable endurance, but with a wink—knowing when to fight and when to outlast.
Jesus (Yeshua of Nazareth) - Love-Driven Provocateur: For when you need to flip tables and wash feet. Holy rage and radical tenderness in one breath.
Bill Plotkin - Soul-Whisperer & Earth Anarchist: For when you need to remember your "wild, untamed soul" isn’t a metaphor—it’s an ecosystem.
Rob Bell - Heretic Hype-Man: For when you need to question dogma without losing wonder. To hold paradox like a koan.
And because I want to balance male and female perspectives:
Catherine of Siena - Holy Shit-Disturber: For when you need to yell at popes (or modern equivalents) with divine authority.
Rabia (a Sufi mystic) - Drunk-on-Love Saboteur: For when you need to laugh at ego’s seriousness, to let grace dismantle your plans.
Thérèse of Lisieux - Subtle Arsonist: For when you need to trust that tiny, hidden acts of love can topple empires.
Maya Angelou - Uncaged Word-Warrior: For when you need to speak your shame until it becomes your anthem.
And then my plus one:
Che Guevara - Sacred Blade: For when you need a voice hissing, "Stop praying over a wound that needs a tourniquet."
So when you bring them together, here’s the alchemy as it connect to who I am and how I want to be in the world:
Gritty → Mandela + Che + Catherine (teeth to your mysticism).
Mystic → Rabia + Jesus + Thérèse (surrender to your fire).
Abundance Cultivator → Maya + Rob Bell (your stories create worlds).
Cage Rattler → Che + Plotkin (systems aren’t just broken—they’re spells to break).
Key Dropper → Thérèse + Rabia (the way out is often small, absurd, or hidden).
So, I return to my original question: Who is shaping you?
And if you really want to dig in: How do different groups that you spend time with form you in different ways?
Wow, I really like your board of directors!