I first met LaRell’s wife Val at a coffee shop in the fall of 2020. She was engaged in an interesting conversation with a foreign exchange student that I overheard while getting stood up on a date. When it was obvious that I was listening in, they invited me to join.
Afterwards, Val asked both of us to exchange numbers. I don’t know what happened to the exchange student, but Val and I have remained in touch ever since, often enjoying conversations about Bill Plotkin’s work, trauma therapy, magic mushrooms, and the various challenges of life including relationships and parenting.
When we met, LaRell was a couple years into living as a woman and, from what I could tell, had found peace in that life. So imagine my surprise a couple weeks ago when Val posted about her husband on Instagram. Was there a breakup and remarriage within a matter of months? No, her once husband turned wife was, once again, her husband.
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MTFTM
So what prompted the journey back, or as LaRell says, “Coming full circle?”
While LaRell has a number of videos talking about the process on his YouTube channel, I’m a fan of this one, partially because it’s less produced and more just a raw attempt of explaining what is going on while still presenting as a woman.
Transhood Reimagined
So how might LaRell’s story assist us as we seek to reimagine manhood? Here are a few of my initial thoughts:
The low hanging fruit would be the broader “war on men.” Obviously LaRell’s mother equated being male with being evil. But stopping there seems too easy and perhaps a bit whiney.
While LaRell doesn’t go into details on his mother, I think one of the most valuable questions we can ask when we come across the dreaded “man-hater” is, “Why?” To go a bit deeper, “What characteristics of men stir such animosity towards them?” Then we can ask if they are anti-man (a biological question that is no different than being racist) or anti-cultural masculinity, which focuses more on how boys are taught to embody maleness.
LaRell’s story also invites us to think about the masculine and feminine polarity. When a young boy is more in touch with feminine energy, does that make him less of a man?
This last question for me cuts to the heart of the problem, which I believe starts with listening to the wrong narrative about sex and gender, specifically, what I see as the traditional or conservative narrative.
Our Sex-Gender Narrative
What is the traditional or conservative narrative that lays the foundation of the discussion for both conservative and liberal voices?
Essentially, it says that how you present biologically needs to align with your dominate gender energy. To put it a bit more bluntly, if you have a penis, you need to lead masculine and if you have a pussy you need to lead feminine.
The difference between conservatives and liberals is whether a greater importance on place on biology or dominant gender energy. From this point, conservatives argue that biology matters more and you should conform your behavior appropriately. Liberals on the other hand prioritize leading energy and push to conform bodies accordingly. Personally, I think they’re both wrong because the founding narrative is wrong.
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.
- Jiddu Krishnamurti
A Better Sex-Gender Narrative
I think a far better narrative understands a healthy human, whether biologically male or female, as one who embodies both masculine and feminine energies. I describe this inner dynamic as masculine strength guided by feminine wisdom. In this dynamic, the masculine focuses on the doing, but it needs the feminine to let it know what is good to do.
So while we all might have a leading energy, an essential part of our developmental journey is to cultivate that which doesn’t come naturally to us. So if you lead male, nurturing the feminine is essential. The opposite is true if you lead female. And one of the key ways we do this, is to be in relationship with and learn from people who embody the opposite energy.
This doesn’t mean masculine leading men need to become less masculine, only that they need more feminine. The same can be said of women who lean masculine. The opposite is true of women and men (like LaRell) who lead feminine.
I am a firm believer that if we, as society, could make this adjustment both individually and collectively, we would create a better world for all of us.
Your Thoughts?
Let’s have a conversation. What caught your attention in LaRell’s video? Or maybe you have some thoughts on my commentary. Either way, let’s engage.
I have never thought of one's gender identity as something that is modled, absorbed, taught. Even though I recognized that our gender-related behaviors are taught. I have always thought we were born however we are-- no matter what our identity turns out to be-- and that we discover who we are as we grow up. This bears serious consideration...