From Compulsive Chaos to Contented Clarity
Bringing Body, Heart, and Soul Together
Two posts ago, I opened with me on a therapist’s couch, disconnected from my heart and seemingly trapped in a life of compulsive chaos.
Last week, I focused on my most profound learning while on that couch and how it impacts some of the most painful touch points in men's lives.
But that is only part of how I brought body, heart, and soul together to cultivate the life I embrace today.
While all of our journeys will have their differences, there are overlapping themes that wisdom begs us to pay attention to, and that’s what this post is about.
But first, here's a quick reminder of why I’m sharing all this.
Series Recap
I started this series by asking men the simple question, “Where does life begin?” There are three options: with yourself, with those closest to you, or with the broader world.
While men often valiantly declare that they are most focused on their connections (typically in the form of their partner and/or children), they functionally do this through their connection to the broader world in the form of their work.
But no matter how you view that dynamic, what is always left out of the equation is the self, and when the self is not attended to (body, heart, and soul), you will always come up lacking in your relationships with those closest to you and you will never approach the broader world with a profound sense of purpose.
Therefore, the only way to live well is to live from the inside out.
That said, Western civilization as a whole fails to invite us to explore our inner world, and men specifically are rarely challenged to step into it.
Instead, we are sold a vision of the good life that involves us being the hero of our family, who valiantly endures the workday so we can return as the triumphant provider. It’s a narrative that, at least in concept, feeds the ego, after all, who doesn’t want to be king of their own little kingdom, but in practice, it often feels anything but valiant or noble, especially in an economic environment that is designed to exploit rather than reward labor.
The one place in Western Society where you do regularly see men looking inward is recovery communities, places where those in attendance hit rock bottom due to an addiction that for a time helped them cope with life, but ultimately destroyed them.
And now you know what brought me to the couch in the first place.
But while most recovery journeys aim to return the participant to the world they left behind, mine has taken me on a delightfully terrifying journey where slowly and sometimes painfully, the ego is learning to serve the soul rather than the self. The result has me increasingly living a life I’d never have envisioned on my own.
So what has my journey looked like? What could yours?
How Did I Get to the Couch?
I previously mentioned that, during my intake, the therapist I would come to call my Yoda asked if I was a c-section. I looked at him curiously and said, “Yes.”
“Difficult labor?”
“Yeah, about 14 hours. I was breech and wouldn’t turn.”
He continued:
So two things happened during your birth that set you on the road to where you are today. First, the difficult birth meant your body came into this world flooded with cortisol and odds are good your sympathetic nervous system, the part of you that triggers the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, has been stuck on ever since.
And second, because you didn’t go through the birth canal, you missed repeated baths of oxytocin that helps you experience connection.
So from the moment you’ve come into this world, you’ve not only been perpetually on edge and perceiving everything around you as a threat, but hamstrung in your ability to form genuine connections.
Your birth set the stage for everything you’ve experienced since to impact you the way it has. Yes, there was plenty that was traumatic in its own right, that abusive preschool teacher, your mom using you as an emotional surrogate when your dad traveled, all the bullying, a religious tradition that perpetually highlighted your depravity … but all of that just worked to keep you on the path you came into this world on.
Without a serious intervention, life set you up to be where you are today.
This was my version of what my friend Larell explained during his detransition, and it’s some of the best news I ever heard.
After years of just assuming there was something fundamentally wrong with me, whether that message came from the church, my peers, or the women I’d betrayed in my attempts to cope, I was now hearing for the first time that this was just the path life led me down.
Post Publishing Note: I realized after sending this out that I missed a really important point right here. Yes, life led me down a really destructive path, but in no way, shape, or form does that excuse the destruction I left in my wake. I could have, and should have, been my own intervention long before I actually was and I will spend the rest of my life seeking to make amends for the hurt and harm I caused while letting compulsive chaos run my life.
But rather than locking me into a world of victimhood, it also included the idea that things could have been different. There could have been an intervention. And if there could have been an intervention then, why couldn’t I be my own intervention now?
And that’s the point. Wherever you are at this moment, you have the opportunity to step into something new.
Moreover, because stepping into the new involves connecting to your body, heart, and soul, stepping into something new starts with the realm of impact where you have the most agency … your self.
So What Did I Do Next?
What happened next had no order or flow to it. I kept throwing things against the wall to see what stuck. Truth be told, there are things I tried one month that had no impact on my growth, but six months later, the same thing felt revolutionary.
The point is, there is no easy set of steps to follow, but there also isn’t a wrong thing you can do as long as you remain committed to the journey.
That said, if I was going to go back and advise my former self, here are the things I would prioritize (as time goes on, I’ll share more of my favorite resources):
Find a gym that offers full-body fitness classes that include some kind of weight-lifting (barbells, dumbbells, or kettlebells, it really doesn’t matter, but you need to start moving some heavy shit). Two notes:
I said classes, not personal training. You want to be working out with people … ideally, a fairly consistent group of people who will witness and encourage you on your fitness journey.
Heavy shit is entirely subjective. Three years ago 30 lbs. dumbbells were heavy for me. Today, 50’s were heavy. Next year, well, we’ll see.
Start practicing mindfulness. Not sure how to do that? Check out this really accessible book (affiliate) that will not only teach you the basics but also give you both the history and the scientific backing of the practice. If you need help identifying some of what you feel, don’t forget the Feelings Wheel.
Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Remind yourself that you’re stepping into something new, but it will take time before what is new is natural.
Apologize when you say or do something hurtful. And don’t just say, “I’m sorry.” Instead:
State what you did that hurt the other person.
Identify why you believe it was hurtful.
Confirm that your understanding is correct (and don’t get defensive if you’re missing something).
State what you are going to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Work to restore the relationship.
As I’ve said, start taking these on one at a time. I put them in the order I find the most effective for growth. The biggest change will come when you start taking care of your body. Doing that is going to make it easier to reconnect to your heart. Being connected to your heart will help you experience the soul of soul. Finally, apologizing is a great way to start moving from your heart to another’s … and those closest to you are the next sphere of influence.
Where Should I Go Next?
I have two ideas on where to go starting next week. One path has me moving to the next realm of impact. The other, has me sharing some of the resources I find most helpful for nurturing the self. What do you think I should do: