Self-Determination at the Center

How gender can undermine intrinsic motivation and prevent the world from seeing our most authentic self.

While I’m sure given our current political climate the “being born male” part of my proposed definition of manhood will get the most immediate attention, the part that is really at the center is self-determination with “being born male” in part marking something culture uses to undermine self-determination.

What is Self-Determination?

I will admit, that this is something I hadn’t given much thought to until I started watching The Funky Academic a couple of years back, but his take has shaped my own.

Undergirding self-determination theory is the question of intrinsic motivation. What prompts us to do our best, not because we are being forced to, but because we want to. This distinction is key in our exploration of manhood because so much of what comes at us is extrinsic rather than something that comes from the core of who we are.

To this end, psychologists argue that intrinsic motivation flows when we have:

• relatedness - feeling cared for and connected to others, a sense of belonging, and the belief that you matter to others; relatedness is reciprocal, so this is not just about receiving from them, but giving to them as well

• competence - feeling capable, having a sense of mastery about what you are doing

• autonomy - self-endorsed, there is choice, you are whole-heartedly behind the thing you are doing

Self-Determination vs. “Being Born Male”

When I say “being born male” I am recognizing the simple reality that, beyond biological realities, we treat people differently for an array of reasons. This includes an understanding of what boys are like.

As I’ve already explored, the idea that boys are better at math and science and girls have an innate preference for English and the arts is simply not true. Rather, as we learn in, “Why Gender Matters” (affiliate), how we teach math and science tends to resonate with boys, and how we teach English and the arts resonates with girls. There is a similar correlation between this and other “boy traits” like risk-taking.

Yet with these false assumptions and biologically unfounded expectations come the terms of what you need to do to belong in mainstream society. It can be as if the whole world is saying, “Know your role and shut your mouth, you jabroni!” (apparently Travis Kelce did exist before Taylor Swift came along)

So how does this impact the three pillars of self-determination?

Autonomy

As soon as we set these assumptions and expectations, we strip away autonomy. We don’t get to choose the path we’ll take, rather much of the path has already been chosen for us. As kids this might involve sports over arts or math and science over creative writing. This not only limits our autonomy, but very well could deny the world the very best of what we bring to the table.

Now there are some autonomy limits, after all, Monty Python’s Crazy Loretta was crazy for a reason and as much as she might have wanted to make babies, without a womb, that wasn’t going to happen, but basic biology sets only a few limits.

Competence

These assumptions and expectations do more than just assault our autonomy, they also set us up for incompetence. Be it the boys who struggled in the classroom or me wanting to be a star athlete but not having the body to do so, not being able to live up to the expectations that come with a penis can further undermine our intrinsic motivation (and damage our psyches).

Note: I get that there are an entirely different set of expectations that women struggle with, so this isn’t to denounce those, it’s simply pointing out that this is a broader human experience when we establish sex-based expectations and assumptions.

Relatedness

This means the only remaining leg for intrinsic motivation to stand upon is relatedness. So we end up doing what society says we’re supposed to do largely out of fear that, if we don’t, we won’t belong.

But if we are only doing what we are supposed to do and not what is authentic to us, do we have any actual relatedness, or do people only know the role we play to get through life?

Here it seems like sex-based assumptions and expectations universally undermine intrinsic motivation making a healthy adulthood next to impossible.

Belonging and Authenticity

In his fantastic book, “The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture” (affiliate), Dr. Gabor Mate identifies two fundamental needs all humans experience. One is belonging and the other is authenticity, self-determination includes both, but as we’ve seen, when we put a definition of what it means to be a man (as opposed to manhood being the journey from boyhood to adulthood), we bind authenticity and prevent genuine belonging.

So What Does the Journey of Manhood Entail?

In my previous post, a reader commented that they’d like to see something more active. So here are some more tangible thoughts on what the journey of manhood (as opposed to the journey to manhood) would entail:

• Honoring your biology while

• growing beyond cultural expectations,

• overcoming cultural obstacles, and

• healing your psyche, to

• discover your most authentic self and

• use your gifts to serve the world.

Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. And please let me know what you want me to unpack further first.