What Do You Want?
How becoming attuned to your longings can help make sense of all of life.
What do you want?
It’s a question I’ve been asking myself on repeat lately.
It actually started last November about the time I turned 50. That said, it initiated more from my dad shifting from the treatment phase of his cancer journey to the hospice phase.
As his oncologist explained, his chemo, a medication we originally hoped would keep his cancer at bay as he regained enough strength to attempt an experimental treatment sometime in 2025, was killing him at the same rate unimpeded cancer would. So whether he stayed on treatment or went off, we expected him to have months of life left.
But there was a possibility that getting the chemo out of his system would add some quality to the life he had left. He might stop sleeping 14 hours a night and then napping another 4 during the day. He might have improved mobility and balance, which would be huge given fall had become more than a season. But what those changes would really enable was time to do things together.
Then the question became, “Dad, what do you want to do?”
The blank stare that came back threw me at first. Then I realized that might be the first time he thought about it.
If you asked him what he needed to do, I’m sure there would have been a whole list of things. Or if you asked him what he was supposed to do, he’d spent decades completing those tasks. But what he wanted to do felt foreign.
Then I realized, I can be the same way.
So I started asking myself, “What do you want?” And not just like, “What do you want to do?” or, “What would be fun right now?” but, “What do you want?” as in, “What are your deepest longings?” or, “What do you most desire from life?”
Men and Longing
I remember the first time a Soul Guide asked about my longing and I just sat there with a blank stare. Afterward, I’m pretty sure I looked up the word just to make sure that I understood what he meant.
In case you’re thinking about doing the same, here you go:
A strong persistent yearning or desire, especially one that cannot be fulfilled.
An eager desire; a craving; a morbid appetite; an earnest wish; an aspiration.
If you’re more of a synonym kind of guy, here’s a few for you:
desire, craving, thirst, urge, hunger, yearning
Outside of a desire for sex, longing isn’t a term that most of us men are familiar with, and even that is about where we are in a given moment as opposed to a deep aching desire. As
points out, most men don’t think about their longings, instead, they focus on what’s right in front of them (be it sex or the to-do list).But knowing what you yearn for is part of knowing your heart and soul, the kind of attunement that enables you to live from the inside out.
Knowing what you crave has the power to give greater meaning to what’s right in front of you, or it can explain why the moment feels so mundane and leaves you aching for more from life. And because your longing reveals what you thirst for, satisfying them is the ultimate form of self-care.
Let me break those last two down using some examples from my life.
Longings and Meaning
One of the longings I’ve become aware of since I started asking myself what I want is a desire to make an impact. I have several different spaces in my life where I can do this.
Work
It happens with my work for Xero Shoes where much of my role focuses on the health benefits of barefoot shoes. When I get to do my job, be it being on the road at conferences for physical therapists, chiropractors, or sports medicine professionals; talking with researchers about the latest findings or setting up a future study; or just putting a pair of shoes on someone for the first time, my whole world lights up because I know I’m making a positive impact on people’s lives.
I have the same response with my side gig of officiating funerals. There is a profound joy that comes with meeting people in their grief, honoring their loved ones, and guiding them toward a new normal that nobody wants.
Volunteering
I’ve spent the last number of years connected to third-party political projects. From the failed People’s Party to the slowly forming infrastructure for the Justice For All Party, the idea of living in a country that values people over profits taps into something deep within me and makes an impossible task seem like one worth pursuing.
That said, whether it’s at work or a volunteering gig, there are times when I question whether or not I’m making an impact, or perhaps something is getting in the way of making an impact. Perhaps it’s waiting for a project to be approved or watching fellow volunteers squabble over what I see as mundane points, and when it happens my heart starts to wander and seek out other ways I can make a difference, which brings me to longings and self-care.
Longings and Self-Care
It is maddening at times to ride the roller coaster of jubilation that comes with being certain you are making a difference one month and wondering what the point of it all is the next. From work feeling like pure joy to an absolute grind. From waking up and diving into the tasks before me to wondering what else I could do that would bring meaning to my moments.
Knowing my longing for impact brings perspective to my wandering heart. I can recognize a lull for what it is and know it is only temporary. I can make sure I meet with the people who are excited about the same efforts. I can use my time to identify tasks that will make things easier when business picks up again.
I can also block out more time for volunteering or other projects that give me a greater sense of impact so I’m not relying on work alone to fill that space.
Identifying Your Longings
Now for the hard part, identifying our longings.
As men, most of us focus on what’s right before us because that’s what we’ve been taught to do. So when we’re asked what we want from life as opposed to what we want from the moment we're in, we’re not sure how to respond.
Moreover, the idea of an unfulfilled longing stirs up fear, and we are conditioned to not be afraid. So not only are we not taught to think about our longings, but we’re taught to block out the very emotion that thinking about our longings brings to the surface.
That said, acknowledging what you fear is one way to become aware of what you long for. Ask yourself this question: “What is the last thing I’d want to see on my tombstone?” For me, the answer is unfulfilled potential. Put another way, it is not maximizing my impact.
Another path, one that involves less discomfort, is to get curious. When you reflect on something you want, ask why. When you have an answer, ask yourself why again. Then do it again. After asking yourself why five times, odds are, you’re getting close to a longing. Perhaps your conversation will look like this:
“I want to be successful.” Why?
“Because I want to feel secure.” Why?
“Because I fear being powerless.” Why?
“Because I want to have control over my life.” Why?
“Because deep down, I long to feel safe and valued.”
If that reminds you a bit too much of your young child, here are a few more possibilities:
What moves you? What tends to stir up positive emotions?
Listen to your body. If you’re open to some woo, match up where you feel with one of the chakras and read that part of, Eastern Body, Western Mind.
If you’re a spiritual person, try The Exercises of St. Ignatius (I’m currently using this guide).
I’m curious, what do you want? Please share in the comments.
Closing the Opener
By the way, my dad did eventually come up with a few ideas of things he wanted to do. They weren’t so much longings, but we did enjoy those last few months together.
For years my dad worked just down the street from the original Old Chicago restaurant in Boulder. Over the years, he and his best friend finished who knows how many of their World Beer Tours. He decided finishing the Holiday Mini-Beer Tour would be something fun to put on the list:
Then there were some family oriented things, including celebrating Thanksgiving with all of the kids and grandkids and 52 years of marriage to my mom.
Then there was one final time out for beer on his 78th birthday:
Visiting Bent’s Old Fort was also on the list, but a December snow storm damage the buildings and it is still closed for repairs. At some point, I’ll make the trip and have a talk with my dad while there, after all, for years, one of my deepest longings was connection with him.