Where a Man's Struggle Begins

How we become wounded children and what to do about it.

Nov 27, 2023

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, Dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"
- Harry Chapin

The other day I saw a piece on former Twitch CEO Emmitt Shear, who sold his company to Amazon eight months ago and stopped working so he could be there when his son came into the world, only to take the interim CEO job at OpenAI. He described the job offer as a “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.” And it certainly is, as OpenAI is one of the world's most influential and controversial endeavors right now.

At the same time, his son was born during that time away from work and will have only one childhood. Being his son’s dad during those years is the very definition of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, one that very few of us take.

Could that be where a man’s struggle begins?

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A Longing For Dad

There is something about male presence in the lives of children. The frequent absence of it in today’s society often leaves a lingering ache.

My friend Joi often talks about on her Instagram, how she still hurts from her parents’ divorce and her dad’s disappearance.

I know a young boy whose dad lives halfway across the country and seemingly only wants to see his son when there’s a woman in his life whom he wants to impress. The boy doesn’t know or care that he’s a prop, he just knows that he wants to be with his dad, so it’s not uncommon for him to load up his backpack and say, “I’m ready to go be with my dad.”

The same thing happened with my kid. As an infant, the appearance of my travel bag would bring a storm of tears because it meant Daddy was leaving again. Even during seasons when I would take a day a week off to be at home if there wasn’t contact on the off days, the ache would rise up and not be soothed until we had a meal together.

My earliest memory is my dad’s MBA graduation. I was three. I had no idea what was going on, all I remember is seeing my Daddy walk down the aisle in his cap and gown. Perhaps deep down, that is part of why I earned both a Master's and a Doctorate because I wanted to be like him. I learned years later that my mom made him walk because she needed to know that working during the day and going to night school in the evening was over. She needed to know he would be around.

Being There Vs. Being Present

That said, when I ask if that’s where a man’s struggle begins I am not saying that just having dad at home would solve all our problems. Mere presence isn’t enough. There’s a need for a certain quality of presence as well.

To point to my own failings, for the first 12 years of my kid’s life, my escapists and addicts were running the show. Even when I was physically present, my heart and mind were not there, rather, I constantly found myself trying to quell the chaos within.

At first, my kid desperately sought connection, but in time, it became clear it wasn’t going to happen and the seeking faded. I could appear for moments, making it partway through a game or some other activity, but as much as I wanted to, I didn’t have staying power. So distance grew, and it’s taken years to regain some semblance of what was lost.

The Wounded Children Within

I say all of this as a way of introducing the wounded children within.

These are the parts of our personality that form when we lack the presence of a nurturing generative adult, and specifically for this post, when we don’t get what we long for from a father or father figure. And because we don’t get it from our fathers, we don’t know how to give it to the next generation, and the freefall continues until we find ourselves asking, “Could that be where a man’s struggle begins?”

So who are these wounded children who dwell in the south of Plotkin’s map?

There are four primary forms they take:

The Conformist
The Prince
The Victim
The Rebel

The Conformists and Princes are united in that they are both insiders, operating within the framework of mainstream society. They are the ones who keep our Rubber Dog Shit Society alive, with The Conformists doing the work and The Princes serving as the elites who dupe us into fighting each other rather than upending a broken system. Most people in the Western world spend most of their lives guided by the Conformist within.

That said, it is not uncommon for a man to be a Conformist at work only to come home and attempt to exert power where he thinks he has it, performing the role of the Prince.

The Victims and Rebels on the other hand are outsiders, often coming from communities forgotten by the system. That said, we are seeing more and more victims coming from places of privilege these days, largely because we have turned trauma into currency with the biggest victim having the most power.1

At the same time, Conformists and Victims also have a common bond, they are motivated by fear. You could also say they have a wounded feminine and/or an undeveloped masculine energy. Similarly, Princes and Rebels have a bond, they are angry, and I would say, have a wounded masculine and/or undeveloped feminine energy. In this dynamic, it is important to remember that manhood does not mean masculine, rather, stepping into wholeness demands the development of both masculine and feminine energies in a way where they provide a healthy balance to each other.

What Now?

So what do we do when we find ourselves in the wounded children of Plotkin’s map? We give ourselves the parenting we lacked growing up. This means two things:

We step into the role of a Nurturing Generative Adult and listen to that inner voice. In doing so we:
1. identify the emotion
2. recognize what happened that caused that emotion
3. honor that the emotional response makes complete sense given the circumstances
4. legitimize the emotion
Take action:
1. plan how you are going to respond moving forward when that emotion is triggered
2. communicate to your inner child how you, as a Nurturing Generative Adult, are going to handle the situation moving forward

Repeat this process every time a wounded child appears, and the struggle that began when you didn’t receive what you need from a Nurturing Generative Adult will find healing as you embrace the role for yourself.

Manhood Reimagined