More Than A Woman

Seeking the right thing in the wrong place.

Here in your arms, I found my paradise
My only chance for happiness
And if I lose you now, I think I would die
Oh, say you’ll always be my baby, we can make it shine
We can take it forever, just a minute at a time

More than a woman
More than a woman to me

- More Than A Woman, The Bee Gees

Or perhaps you want to hear her sing it:

(I'll be) I'll be more than a lover
More than a woman, more than your other
(I'll be) I'll be more than a lover
More than a woman, more than enough for you
(I'll be) I'll, I'll be more than a lover
More than a woman, even more under covers
(I'll be more) I'll be more than a lover
More than a woman, more than enough for you

- More Than A Woman, Aaliyah

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If you are new here, welcome to Manhood Reimagined. I’m glad something caught your eye. I’d suggest you start here. I continually update this page which offers an overview of the project and how individual posts fit into a much bigger picture. If you want more about me and why I write here, check this out.

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Photo by Alexandru Zdrobău on Unsplash

Right Thing, Wrong Place

We’ve all got that ache inside. That longing. A craving. There’s a void that needs to be filled and we will never find ourselves satisfied until it is met.

As wrong as it feels that it is unfulfilled, there is nothing wrong with this void. Nor is there anything wrong with wanting to fill it. Both are part of the journey of manhood.

The problem is how we try to fill it.

The broader feminist movement would point to men’s consumption of women as the core of the problem. The objectification and use of women to try and fill that void. The one that sets us, at its most banal, on a perpetual quest for younger, hotter, and freakier.

It makes sense that we do this, after all, the rush that comes with walking into a room with a captivating woman on your arm is palpable. There are few moments where you feel more powerful as a man. If that isn’t enough, assuming we manage to stay awake, the sense of clarity that can come after an intense orgasm can feel like exactly what we need.

But there are three significant problems here:

1. as the feminists point out, women become objects there to fulfill a man’s desires

2. the satisfaction has no staying power and leaves us constantly looking for younger, hotter, and freakier (or if you are a bit more sophisticated, more glamorous, intelligent, and freakier)

3. the answer to this longing is not found in the external world

Where Are We?

To return to Bill Plotkin’s map, the younger, hotter, and freakier solution is trying to answer the challenge of a healthy West with the strategies of an immature East.

The East is amazed by things, so it naturally views women this way. It sees the tussle in her hair and the wave of her hips and is captivated by them. The East wants answers and solutions, and a release provides that …. at least for a moment.

But this desire, longing, the hollowness that craves fulfillment does not originate in the East but in the West.

While the East stands in amazement, the West loves. It enters the dynamic not wondering what it can get from the interaction, but finds itself willing to pour out everything for the greater good.

The West wants mystery and finds delight, not in the discovery of the answer but in dancing with the question.

And while the East looks out, the West looks in, meaning if you ever want to bring lasting peace to that ache, there is no she out there who will ever be the final answer.

Meet the Dark Muse Beloved

What we are seeking when we look for more than a woman, is something more than a woman, and yet, women are the closest thing to it in the external world, which is why we find ourselves turning to them.

What we are looking for is our anima,¹ our inner divine feminine, the one who perfectly compliments us and brings our masculine and feminine energies into balance. This makes her our inner-beloved and our guide to soul (which is where we discover our authentic selves so we can use our gifts to serve the world).

This means that women can be powerful allies on this quest, as the more cultivated feminine energy they bring to a relationship can, if we allow it, serve as a window to our undeveloped and often repressed feminine energy.

But while our inner beloved is our other half, our partner in the external world is always an other who, rather than making us whole, will reveal where were are not yet whole. In other words, another person can never complete you, but they can help you find your completeness.

What has us feeling so incomplete in the first place? To answer that, we’ll turn to the South in our next post.

1. Women, on the other hand, are seeking their animas, their inner divine masculine. So everything I say about men relating to women is also true the other way around.