What Does Your Manhood Say About Women?

The Problem with Provision and Protection

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In Manhood Without Patriarchy, I conclude with the potentially discomforting statement that we need to strip away protection and provision from our understanding of manhood.

I can hear some of the objections now:

• Isn’t protection and provision one of the least machismo ways to approach men’s work?

• Am I trying to suggest men should just be selfish rather than think about and serve the needs of others?

• Do men have a purpose or reason for existence without protection and provision?

In response to this, I ask one simple question: “What does the notion that men are here to protect and provide say about women?”

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The answer is simple: they are needy and vulnerable.

Self-Determination at the Center

In earlier posts I made the opportunity for self-determination central to my argument that manhood is not something you journey to, but the journey from boyhood.

The brief version is that when you turn manhood, with a certain set of traits and characteristics, as the destination, you are bound to, in one way or another, create square peg-round hole dilemmas, ones where we live, breathe, and function in certain ways not because it is true to who we are, but out of extrinsic demands.

With that in mind, what happens to a woman’s opportunity for self-determination when we tell her that men are here to protect and provide (or that she is needy and vulnerable)?

The three keys to self-determination are autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Let’s reflect on each:

Autonomy

Of the three, this is the easiest to answer … she has none. Rather, she is dependent upon a man. Which might be a great ego boost for the man, but severely limits her. This is true even if he is benevolent and gives her whatever she wants because he is still the one enabling the life she’s living.

Competence

How do you feel competent when your entire existence starts with the notion that you are vulnerable and in need of protection? Sure men are bigger, but so was Goliath and we’ve all heard the story of what happened there. Being smaller and weaker might make you appear vulnerable, but appearances aren’t everything.

Relatedness

I can’t help but think that relatedness shapes much of our cultural approach to sex, in that, all too often, it is seen as how women contribute to the relationship. Men take care of provision and protection, women take care of the home, raise the children, and make sure the man is pleased. No wonder she so rarely cums first. It’s a dynamic that is grossly transactional and often ends up treating the woman like she is there to enhance the man’s life rather than the two living in partnership with each other.

Moving Forward

So how do we move from the better to the actual good? How can we embrace the journey to manhood while simultaneously honoring a woman’s right to self-determination?

I would say we don’t box men or women into a certain set of characteristics or traits. Biology isn’t destiny and masculine and feminine are not opposites. Instead, you as a man should:

Embrace Your Journey

At Manhood Reimagined I would say this means:

• Honor your biology &

• heal your psyche so you can

• discover your authentic self,

• overcome societal obstacles,

• grow beyond cultural expectations &

• use your gifts to serve the world.

Encourage Women On Their Journey

This means you allow support women to as they:¹

• Honor their biology &

• heal their psyches so they can

• discover their authentic selves,

• overcome societal obstacles,

• grow beyond cultural expectations &

• use their gifts to serve the world.

Yes, I believe that the journey of womanhood looks just like the journey of manhood, the difference will be in working with their unique biology and how they are treated because of their female bodies.

Who Does Need Provision and Protection?

Now, all of this is not to say that nobody in society needs protection and provision, but we have a very specific word to describe them: children.

Parents need to protect and provide … for children.

Society needs to be structured to protect and provide … for children.

For everyone else, the word isn’t protection and provision, but opportunity and opportunity is worthy of a conversation all its own. That’s on Friday.

1. This line is edited from the original so it more clearly aligns with the header.